The Makings of a Man
by Dysfunction Junction
Summary: In which Roy discovers the wonders of manhood..or not. Total CRACK! Slash warning: Ike/Marth Proceed with caution and as always please R&R. Now a one shot.


The ominous flickering of the lights spelled a bad omen for Marth, prince of Altea.

After today's royal bitch fest with both princess' Peach and Zelda over the use of the sole bathroom and the constant running from the stalking buffoon Captain Falcon (who was still convinced the prince was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and tended to pop up proclaiming his love at the most inopportune moments) Marth was ready to simply read his latest copy of Cosmo, veg out and have a good cleansing cry.

No sooner had he flipped the page containing secrets to looking slim and sexy in the latest designer gowns than the door to his dorm room was thrust open.

"MARTH, MARTH! ARE YOU IN HERE?"

Marth glanced up and cringed. Of all the days for the unrelenting pain in his ass to show up.

"Heavens above Roy, why are you still here?" Marth asked.

"Aw come on you didn't think you could get rid of me that easy." Roy said smiling in a way that made Marth want to slap him.

Soon after the announcement of Brawl, a meeting had been held. A few of the Melee fighters had been pulled aside and told (none too gently) that they were no longer needed and to kindly get the F- out. The contestants were no doubt heartbroken (though Marth suspected the literal throwing from the arena had hurt more) and the jeering from some of the remaining, less mature fighters hadn't helped (Marth still had nightmares from seeing Ganondorfs ass).

Roy (being the cockroach that he was) was not so easily stamped out. Several attempts had been made at throwing him out but somehow Roy always returned.

Marth had suggested a more permanent solution but it hadn't gone over too well.

"What do you want?" Marth snapped, "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You still read those?" Roy asked, pointing at the magazine.

Marth inhaled a deep breath, the nightmares of last season coming to him like a flood. It had been his first tournament and he'd had the privileged of rooming with Roy. The results had been disastrous not to mention dangerous for them both.

Marth could only thank the gods above that his new room mate Ike, while a little messy, never bothered him. In fact, he had only seen the man on a few occasions, which didn't bother Marth in the slightest.

"If you have nothing of importance to say or do, then please kindly leave." Marth said. He focusing back on his reading hoping the runt would take the hint.

He tried to ignore Roy's staring. This month's cover showcased an overly made up women (who oddly looked a lot like Zelda). The words "How to please your man with mind blowing sex" were written directly underneath in giant red letters.

Roy stared some more, then as if remembering something important, snapped his fingers.

"THAT'S IT" he bellowed, causing Marth to almost topple his chair. He regained his balance just before his head collided with the decorative Boudoir behind him.

"That's what?" Marth asked before realizing that he didn't and shouldn't care.

Roy ignored him and leaned over. Personal space was something Roy knew nothing about, he and Marth were nose to nose.

"Marth," he whispered "I need help."

Marth snorted leaning away from him,"Well you know what they say, admitting it is the first s...

"I NEED YOU TO MAKE ME A MAN!" Roy screeched shaking him.

Marth blinked, looking at him as if he'd lost his mind. "WHAT?"

"PLEASE HELP ME BECOME A MAN!"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"I NEED TO BE DEFLOWERED!"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

"I NEED TO GET SOME SWEET, SWEET LOVING!"

"I.." Marth's retort, whatever it would have been, was cut short by a unfamiliar third raised voice.

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!"

"Well I never..." Marth shut his mouth.

Standing in the doorway in an eerie manner, was his roommate Ike. The navy haired man was shouldering his humongous sword in a menacing way.

Roy, who was gripping to Marths cape like a lifeline, stared from Marth to the newcomer looking irritable.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked.

Ike glared at him. Roy could feel the heat from his eyes boring into his very soul. He gulped loudly.

"I happen to reside in this room and do not appreciate hearing the details of your love lives."

Marth had the decency to blush and look ashamed while Roy simply looked bewildered.

"Our love life?"

"You were just screaming about how you wanted him..," Ike pointed to Marth "to deflower you, where you not?"

Roy just stared in a deadpan manner.

"Marth?" he asked pointing at said person, "and me" then pointed at himself.

Ike nodded.

Roy seemed to ponder this for a moment then (as if finally getting it) fell to the floor in a fit of laughter.

Marth looked away disgusted.

After several minuets of repeating the barely understandable words "Marth and me" through peals of laughter, Roy seemed to calm down. Wiping tears from his eyes, he stood up still giggling a bit.

"Are you quite finished?" Marth demanded, rather put off by the whole thing.

"Yeah...man that was great. Hey..hey," Roy said grabbing Marth's shoulder. "Remember..remember when he thought I wanted you to deflower me Marth...hahaha.." he wiped his eyes again. "Good times..."

"Why me?..." Marth asked, massaging his temples.

Ike shook his head. He unloaded his massive sword and sat on his unkempt bed before looking around for a magazine (passing up the ones of scantily clad women for a Weapons Weekly) as if to show his full intention of staying there till lights out. He gave Marth a look to show It was HIS room too, after all.

"If you and your little friend are going to continue this discussion do it someplace else." He said.

Marth pursed his lips. He had come to a realization in that moment that Ike was in fact not a blessing of a roommate and that he did not rather like Ike or his attitude. To put in bluntly, Ike was an ass.

"NO, we have to talk here, It's a private thing, I don't want anyone else to hear." Roy stammered staring big eyed at Marth.

Ike rolled is eyes, he knew he should have requested a single room.

"Well my darling half-wit, I'm afraid it's a little late for that, I'm sure the entire mansion has heard everything already anyway." Marth spat.

"Pretty please with sugar gumdrops on top." Roy begged, trying to give what Marth assumed was a puppy dog look, but came off more as constipation. "You are the only one who can help me."

Straightening his tiara with a huff, Marth attempted disinterest. Roy whimpered and Marth knew he stood no chance. He sighed, disgusted at his own lack of resistance, "Fine."

Ike grunted from his corner, not pleased, Marth ignored him.

"Goody." Roy exclaimed clapping his hands.

Marth sighed and swatted at his bangs, a habit born of agitation.

Now," Roy stated with a serious expression, "As you know I am ummm...15.." he scratched his head , "...16, possibly 17, ...hell maybe even 18 years old...I haven't really been keeping track.."

Marth motioned for him to get on with it.

Roy began pacing as if redying the most inspiring speech of his career.

"As you are well aware I have reached the age of adulthood and though I at first believed I had achieved my ultimate goal of becoming a man, it turns out I have not. The guy in the box..."

"Guy in the box?" Marth asked before he could stop himself.

"..Yeah..you know the one out in the yard, the guy who blew up Falco's birdbath and terrorizes the ice climbers with his flamethrower ...I think his name is Duke...or something.."

"Snake," Marth corrected in a tired tone.

"...yeah him, Ohhh..that reminds me...he was telling me a story about what he did with a spoon, a packet of hot sauce and a poodle in a Taco Bell bathroom, it's pretty funny actually.."

"Yes, yes," Marth interrupted not wanting any soul burning images of Solid Snake. "I'm sure we can all imagine."

"Anyways, he said that I need to have sex in order to become a man and I'm pretty sure I haven't done that yet." Roy put a finger to his mouth thoughtfully. "And I need your help because I know you know a lot about women and what they like, I mean everyone knows you practically are one."

Marth, who had obviously not heard or refused to acknowledge that last statement, puffed up with pride "Well, not to boast or anything, but I have been known to keep the company of many a woman, why in Altea I was known as quite a womanizer."

A loud cough echoed.

Roy eyes shined, "So you'll teach me how to get sexed and reach my ultimate goal of manhood?"

Marth cringed at Roy's vocabulary. "No, you vile boy I will teach you something much better. I will teach you how to properly court a woman."

Figuring court was another word for sex, Roy cheered.

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* * *

Roy was seated indian style on Marth's bed eyes alert and body erect, looking quite the part of the apt pupil. Marth paced in front of him, his dreams of reading up on the newest handbags and enjoying the romantic chemistry between his favorite actors, now long gone.

"Now before we begin," Marth started, suddenly wondering what had possessed him into doing this, "Have you got anyone in mind for starting this well...erm en devour with."

Roy stared at him, "En whose a what?"

"En devour, you know," Marth waved his hands pointedly , "A potential companion, a conquest, love interest?"

Roy stared harder.

Marth grit his teeth, "Do you have someone you'd like to have intercourse with?"

More staring.

"SEX, who do you want to have SEX with?" Marth seethed, turning a light shade of crimson.

"Oh well why didn't you just ask that in the first place, instead of using your big fancy, smanshy words."

"...oh for the love of .. DO YOU, OR NOT!"

"As a matter of fact I do," Roy said, wiping his fingernails on his tunic in what he considered to be a haughty fashion. "And she is a very fine lady indeed."

Marth smiled venomously feeling what little sanity he had fly right out the window, never to return. Taking a deep breath he tried to stay on the topic at hand. "Right, well who is she, if I know who she is or what she's like maybe I can give you tips on how you should approach her."

"Well her name is errmmm..I think it's Dot or Pot or maybe Pick, I dunno...she's the one with the wings, has pretty hair and nice eyes." Roy stroked his chin thoughtfully, "..kinda looks like an angel, flat chested..wears one of those shirt, dress things.."

Marth wondered if teeth could break from grinding too hard. "If you are referring to the angel Pit, and I sincerely hope and pray that you are not, then I must inform you that sadly she is a HE."

"Details..." Roy scoffed.

"Yes well...rather important details, don't you think? " Marth asked.

"Bah, who cares I just need sex."

Marth didn't see the point in arguing "Right...okay... Pit, let's see," He pursed his lips in thought. "Well I have to say that unfortunately I don't know him very well, but he does seems like the old-fashioned type."

"Shut up, she is NOT old..."

"No, no,no, not old, old-fashioned,... you know enjoys roses, chocolates, Midnight carriage rides and summer strolls on the beach..." Marth clasped his hands, happily lost in the dream of his own perfect date.

Roy scoffed " I don't care about all that, I wanna know how to get to having sex with her."

"What are you talking about," Marth demanded. "You can't just walk up to her...erm him and have sex with her ..him ..it ..whatever. You have to build it up, even wait a few dates, nurture the attraction."

"Blah, Blah, Blah, I don't want to do any of that boring crap, I want sex..."

"Boring crap, boring crap.. h..how dare you," Marth looked positively ready to implode. " It is not boring crap, it is the most important part of building a relationship..It's what women love more than anything...it's everything." He could not believe his nerve, was sex all that really mattered? "All you men are the same...You're all pigs!"

Roy blinked. "..umm Marth your a man..."

"I am well aware of that." Marth snapped.

"..I am so confused." Roy said miserably tugging at the floral bedspread.

A loud sigh filled the room, followed by a gruff, "All right, I have had just about enough of this."

Both Marth and Roy looked at Ike. Needless to say they had both forgotten the mercenary was even there. He looked downright pissed and irritable as he threw down his magazine.

" Look kid, you want to know how to get a girl to have sex with you, right?" He asked not bothering to look at Roy.

Roy nodded nearly snapping his neck in the process.

"..and once you learn will you leave and promise never to return?"

Roy kept nodding at an impossible rate.

Marth sneered at the other blue haired swordsman, " Oh yes, please professor Ike, implore on us your bountiful wisdom in the art of your Neanderthal ways of love, tell me do you use a club or .."

He trailed off when he noticed that said "professor" was was all but on top of him and was staring and had, he realized, been staring at him the entire trek across the room. Marth wouldn't lie it was a terrifying stare.

"Alright, let me show you how it's done."

And with those words he grabbed the crowned Prince of Altea by the shoulders, into a rough and savage kiss.

Now In all fairness to Marth he did try to fend him off, not very HARD or LONG, but he did try. Unfortunately for him, Ike was a terrific kisser, and had a body he didn't want to let go of anytime soon.

Roy just stared on wide eyed and gaping. "OOOOOHHH I get it, See Marth I told ya you didn't need any of that mushy crap, that dude is way better at this sex stuff than you."

As Marth was broken from his temporary ecstasy, by the release of Ike's lips from his, he could only think of how much he despised the red-head.

That and the room had suddenly become a furnace.

Roy, seemingly unaware of the new sexual energy that had just presented itself, continued on. "So was that sex?"

Marth stared, truly flabbergasted at the boy's stupidity "I thought you knew what sex was, didn't your father ever explain to you the birds and the bees, I mean honestly..."

"Oh, he tried lots of times, he would say," Roy put on his best Eliwood impression, "Son, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have sex, and unfortunately, if the woman is a deceitful lying bitch and tells the man that she is taking birth control and she is in fact not, mistakes like you..I mean children are born ." Then I would ask him what sex was and he'd say, "ask your mother."

Marth tapped his foot impatiently, "Uh huh, and tell me, when was the last time he told you this?"

Roy grinned like the fool he was, "Last week?"

"Uh huh, right, of course, last week..."

And so, Marth feeling he had quite enough of this little game (as he now had much more pressing and urgent matters to attend to) grabbed the boy by the scruff of his neck, and as though he were weightless, threw him out into the hall, where he collide with Ness and Lucas, sending all three flying down the stairs. Yelling a quick "AND DON"T COME BACK! " he slammed and bolted the barely surviving door in one swift motion.

Surprisingly there was no pounding or immediate incineration of the door, meaning Roy had hopefully gotten the hint, that or was to seriously injured to move. Marth really couldn't have cared either way.

With a loud sigh , Marth leaned on said door, steadying himself with a few long cleansing breaths. He turned around and was met with a smoldering blue gaze.

Ike stared at Marth. Marth stared at Ike.

"Shall we?" he asked motioning towards the bed. Ike grunted.

It was then that Marth found out that this day which he had written off a horrible and miserable, had ended in the best way possible, the way that no movie could ever truly capture, and that not only was Ike an ass, he also happened to have a nice ass.


End file.
